And I miss you……

It was  M’s birthday the other day and that night, for the first time since his death, I dreamt about him. It wasn’t a comfortable dream. I found myself desperately trying to get back to him from wherever I was. Finally, I managed to find a pay phone and I inserted my coins and rang his mobile number but someone else – a stranger – answered.  I hung up and tried again.  This time Michael answered the phone and I started to tell him how I needed to get back to him but his voice was growing fainter and he couldn’t hear me. I hung up weeping. Distressed. I needed to get back to him. Desperately. But it was no longer possible.

I then found myself walking along a path and I noticed at its edge a deep abyss. Some people were throwing themselves off but others were trying to get back from it.  The clouds and colours of the abyss and beyond were dark and violet, vaporous and not of this world. (von Guerard’s painting comes to mind but that is more romantic and less apocalyptic than the one in my dream). I shied away from the edge and crouched down under a cave-like opening, crying, weeping, knowing I was alone and could never get back to Michael. I woke feeling distraught. My sense of loss, of missing him has become so poignant.

And last night – or early this morning –  I had another dream about him in a similar vein. This time I was looking for him in a building that was like a house but was actually a school. In the dream I’m sure I had seen him there but I couldn’t find him. I went to his office but the door was closed and there were people outside. I told them I needed to find Michael and that Michael was in the office. But they said no. I started calling out for him. Finally a woman opened the door and I saw that it was no longer Michael’s office.  Michael wasn’t there.  I realised he was gone. No longer here, and again I broke down in tears of grief, knowing I was alone.

I feel as though I am only now  treading the path of grief and loss and understanding (or at least trying to) that he is gone, no longer a part of my living life and just how alone I feel without him. And just how much I miss his presence in my life.  I find myself calling out in my head to him “Michael, come back. Come back to me. I miss you.”