With only a week off for Christmas break, aifares being exhorbitant and too late to get Mia looked after, I opted to stay put this Christmas. I thought I’d indulge in champagne and tiny morsels of Christmas food, watching movies, reading and sleeping. I put up my little tree and made it festive with bows and ornaments and a set of blinking lights. The wreath was hung on the door of my partment announcing Christmas had arrived. The apartment had been tidied and cleaned, champagne and foods purchased, menu planned. All set. I’d turned down various invitations to join people and thought I just wanted to veg out and indulge in being totally selfish and decadent with champagne as my morning beverage and then I’d take it from there. Well that was the plan.
But come Xmas Eve I suddenly felt incredibly lonely. The Christmas lights on the tree rotated from full, to flickering, to a moment’s darkness before resuming their cycle and it was in that moment of darkness that I felt it most: lonely and bereft. The Christmas lights became a metaphor of how things were – bright lights with Michael, flickering and joyful with possibilities; the darkness: my lonely present.
I always loved Christmas, the expectations of festitivites, preparing special food and indulging in the joy of being together with those we loved. Tree dressed, table set, tiny courses of food prepared and presented along with wine, music and laughter. Lots of naps, movies and sport on tv in between. Good times shared.
I’ve come to realise how difficult it is to share joy when I’m solo. When Michael died he took away the joy. Being on my own doesn’t feel so fabulous. It just feels empty and lonely. And Christmas is just another day when the shops are shut and no one is home.
But tomorrow is another day and Mia and I will go and visit my folks and walk along the beach and I’ll feel grateful for both Mia and the beach – a panacea for all ills.
Merry Christmas everyone.
tania j layden 